these cold reaches of space are going to get even colder still when the big freeze comes…
updated 7/30/23, mainly I left this one alone, since my stupid sense of humor hasn’t changed all that much 😜
the big FREEZE is coming! well, eventually...
As an ice sculptor, I like the cold. I can get something more out of chilly temps than a nasty case of frostbite. Ironically, I live in the deep south of the U.S., where we’re lucky if we see more than one hard freeze a year. (Strangely, some down here don’t share my enthusiasm for hard freezes…)
Summers, on the other hand, can be dreadfully hot, with high humidity that pushes the heat index into record breaking territory. When you’re done moving a lot of ice around, the sweat that results can make you feel like YOU’RE the one melting! And now, at the end of another ridiculously hot summer, it’s sometimes hard to imagine that it can ever be cold again. But don’t worry, it will be…
eventually…
and ALL THE TIME.
Nowadays, physicists and cosmologists think we’re eventually headed to a Big FREEZE in which any sort of heat energy is a thing of the past. In an expanding universe such as ours, the second law of thermodynamics dictates that, on the whole, entropy (or the general state of disorganization) will only increase. You might have noticed this effect on your desk, in your garage, or maybe your attic. So, eventually, the universe will get so messy and expand so far that it just keeps getting colder and colder. Heat and energy sources will start to dry up.
what does this mean for ice sculptors?
So what will things look like when the big freeze finally arrives?
- Well, first off, everything will be iced over when the big freeze gets here. Forget about that water stuff. With the right tires, you’ll be able to drive from the U.S. to Europe.
- No more annoying spring and summer, so no more trees.
- No more trees means that we need something else to build stuff out of…Oh look, there’s a bunch of ice!
- Ice sculptors will become as vital as carpenters and construction workers. Naturally then, there will be an ice sculptor’s union.
- Ice hotels will no longer be a rarity. Think “Ice La Quinta”
- The people of the future ice world will need furniture too. I think ice bar stools will be big business, as will ice bars, due to all the the out of work sailors, construction workers, and furniture makers drowning their sorrows in ice beer and ice vodka.
- Smirnoff Ice will be bigger than Coca-cola.
- And finally, saying “I want to be an ice sculptor when I grow up” will no longer be a reason to consider therapy.
could this shot of the newly remodeled Icebar Orlando be a look into the future, when the big freeze is finally here?
what to do while we wait on the Ice Sculpting Renaissance
Remember, time is on our side for once. Global warming is so short term; it’s all going to be ice! But to prepare, you might want to sharpen your chisels, maybe stock up on some tools. You’ll probably need an extra chainsaw or two because of all the work you’ll have. If you just bought an ice block machine, well…oops. But get some die grinders and some new bits too. You can call Alice at Ice Crafters and she can help you get ready. You’ll probably want a new jacket and some gloves as well. Maybe a hat…
In conclusion, if you’re like me, then some of your friends, relatives, and acquaintances have shown some skepticism about your interest in ice sculpture. Occasionally, you’ll find that some are surprised that you can actually make a living as an ice sculptor; my college reunion, for example, was pretty interesting. But if you hold your ground and stick it out, you’ll have the last laugh. Just make it past that global warming stuff and then hang around awhile and the demand for ice sculptors will become HUGE.
Patience…
P.S. I’m pretty sure that I covered all the main benefits of a frozen world run by ice sculptors, but please feel free to add your own predictions and pertinent details in the comments below.
P.S.S. Should you be in need of some actually useful ice sculpting news or info, please follow ice sculpting secrets on Facebook. Apparently, that’s where it will be, since it evidently is not to be found here…
links and stuff
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